Sick Leave

It's only when I'm taken away from work, through no choice of my own, that I truly realise what I want to do with my life. Or more to the point what career choice I don't want. Sick Leave is very different from Annual Leave. Annual Leave is planned and anticipated. When it draws to a close it's expected that one is going to dread going back to the mundane routine of a 9am start, coffee at 10am, lunch at 1pm and home at 5pm. Of course you are, you have just spent the the past 14 days cramming it full of enjoyable fun non work related activities, free from all the stress associated with a financially related customer service role.
Sick Leave on the other hand is usually filled with feeling sorry for oneself. Undoubtedly wrapped up in bed or on the couch, no routine, getting up, coffee or breakfast usually don't feature. What does feature heavily however in my Sick Leave days is my Laptop. My link to the world on days like this. My Laptop becomes my own personal councillor. It spends it's hours researching and deciding what I should be doing with my life rather than what I am doing. The screen is tabbed to the last, window in the top right is streaming Dawson's Creek episodes, (what can I say my self indulgent guilty pleasure) top left has higher education courses, (to make up for the fact that at 27 I'm still thoroughly enthralled by a teenage soap), layered in between are open chat windows, images of wedding cakes, articles on how to propel yourself into the voice over/event planner/ author/ catering world. Everything BUT what I actually do.

Today though is a little different from my usual sick day events. Sure the usual guilt is present. Proven by the fact I'm checking my phone every 20 minutes for missed calls or texts from work. But today my brain is infested with the notion that I don't want a professional career. That what I do want is to settle down, have children ASAP and take a career break so I can be there for those "pivotal years". Idyllically filling my days, keeping house, care giving for my children, making their meals, baking, being the best mum/wife I can be. Those ladies in Stepford will be seeking advice from Moi!!! Fully aware that the reality is a lot harder than my than my flight of fancy.
My own mother was, as our American Cousins put it, "A stay-at-home mom". She ran the house like a well oiled machine with a full home cooked dinner every night. I always had zero interest in following in her footsteps. I never was very "girlie". Most of my friends were always men. Babies and children were more likely to repulse me rather than intrigue me. For a long time I didn't even know if I wanted children. Since getting engaged to my wonderful husband-to-be my priorities have been somewhat altered. I have realised that I have been extremely narrow minded in thinking that I can't do both and spend part of my life as stay at home mother and wife and the other as how I originally intended. I had always thought that the mothers that had decided to both were never fully committed to either. It's only now I realise how ridiculous that sounds, that the people I have been taking my example from in that aspect couldn't do it not because it could not be done, but that they just didn't want to be doing it. They either had no interest in being in work when they were but had to be for financial reasons or didn't want to be at home because they would have rathered being in work as maternity was not something they necessarily enjoyed but rather felt they had to.

This maybe the rambling's of a young brighteyed bride to be, or maybe it's just the lack of solid food talking but today's sick day has been a rather enlightening experience. I am filled with expectant purpose and anticpation. A day not entirely mispent if I do say so.

Signing Out.

Conception

"Start Blogging"-Daunting words. This is my first endeavour into the blogging world. But, after years of much resistance and a rather nostalgic attachment to my old hardback notebooks I figured it was time. I spent most of my waking hours on the laptop regardless, it's only rational I attempt to multitask.
Dare I say it but the truth is I have very little experience with the world of blogging. If this were a paper for submission right about here would be where I would set out my aims and goals and the methods by which I am going to go about proving them. Structure, order and rationale. If this were my personal journal this would be an entry of wreckless emotional abandonment, punctuation and spelling out the window. Chaos, frivolous and nonsensical. Paper, diary, the two being opposite extremes from my viewpoint but equally definable. For all their differences the two have their place in my eyes.
A blog? What is this supposed to be? Something in between. How do I define it? Can I? Should I? The only blog I ever followed was one about Bento boxes. A mother would construct these delightfully artistic creations for her children's lunches every day and send them off with Spongebob esq rice and veg treats in hand. All very admirable but the whole process always struck my as terribly time consuming, and then to BLOG about it. Avec images no less. Surely this woman had to have been some timelord, bending the laws of physics to suit her daily routine of Bento boxes, children, husband, blogging, housework, career, living. But I digress.
I find that the lack of rules both alarming and liberating. My mind finds itself in this place somewhere between blogger's block and creative overload. So many things to say and write about. Some incredibly trivial and pointless others gut wrenching, core shaking, colossal. All acceptable. All welcome. Where do I begin? First impressions and all. Is what I write today going to set the tone for posts to follow? It's almost akin to those 10 minutes spent outside an interview room. Everyone is just on the other side of that door and your mind is filled with anxiety and self doubt. Questions of whether you'll be liked and even if you are will you be good enough?

"Don't take it so serious or personal", a friend said. "Have you read some of the tripe that's blogged your tripe can't be any worse."

True, but we all like to make an entrance don't we?
I had wanted to write something profound or something hilariously funny or something exceedingly thought provoking. Perhaps inspire someone on what to serve for supper. Even something that's content might draw the masses to express their utter disagreement and disdain.
But today, I find today is not the day to change the world with religious notions or political opinions. I don't even feel the need to enhance someone culinary world with my foolproof recipe for the perfect Victorian Sponge. No no today I think I'll just see where this blogging takes me. I've created it and it's out in the world now. I've made a start with this post and hopefully it will be the first of many.

Signing Out.